« Missing Teen | Home | Show Us Your Reel Brooklyn: A Video Contest for Brooklyn Teens »
Bad Business
By The Changeling | January 17, 2008
At least she got a settlement for her trouble. Photo from BET.com
I received a disheartening email from a reader who said she was the a victim of sexual harassment. In her letter she described her sickening experience at a Bed-Stuy business.
She asked that I post this on her behalf:
I’m an attorney who’s lived in the neighborhood for the past 4 years. I just returned from having my car inspected at [a gas station in Bed-Stuy] and had a horrible experience with the owner. Rather than inspect the car and make general small talk, he chose to make very demeaning personal comments to me about my size and body while making lewd hand motions indicating my breasts and the shape of my body. Of course I verbally set him straight and have filed a complaint with the Better Business Bureau, but I wanted to bring this to the attention of other Bed-Stuy residents, especially the ladies. This is completely inappropriate, sexist and disrespectful behavior under any circumstance, but particularly when a business owner is speaking to one of his customers. I spent my hard-earned money there and to be subjected to such harassment is an insult at best.
-Rhalina
Has this sort of thing happened to anyone else in the neighborhood? Was it an anomaly or just another day in the life of a woman in the city?
January 17th, 2008 at 9:45 am
Walking around the neighborhood, I notice that I get more comments from guys on the street. That’s something I haven’t seen/heard since I was in my 20’s. But I can walk around Bed Stuy in my paint clothes (as I often do) and guys will try to chat me up. That being said, local business owners have been nothing but respectful.
Why not mention the name of the gas station so we can avoid it?
January 17th, 2008 at 10:55 am
Hi,
I’m the person who wrote in above. The business is the Shell station on Bedford and Willoughby (895 Bedford Avenue)and the owner’s name is Abdul. Thanks for your concern–the reason I’m adding the business info now is that it was more appropriate that I provide this information directly than have it come from the website for legal reasons. I do agree that it’s important for everyone to know and avoid business that do us a disservice in the community. All the best, Rhalina
January 17th, 2008 at 5:28 pm
A year and a half ago I was there with my friend Leo, who is Argentine but speaks flawless ( although accented) English. He was attempting to fill up his tank and the pump would not reset. HE went to the window and told the attendant, and the attendant told him to go back and try again. He did so but to no avail; the pump would still not reset. He again approached the window, again the man instructed him to return to the pump and try again. When this failed a third time, Leo returned to the window, only to be told “I said, WAIT, mother****er. Why don’t you learn to speak f***in’ ENGLISH?
I flipped my wig and nearly went through the window at the guy, which in hindsight probably solved nothing, but I was FURIOUS. I’ve since avoided the place as a rule. I’m not surprised to hear of your travails- it appears to be staffed by subhumans.
January 18th, 2008 at 2:47 am
I see a lot of cat calling going on in BedStuy. I see girls wearing tight clothes, and enjoying when guys turn their heads and stare at them and make comments. While I know we can’t all dress like church ladies, if you wear tight jeans or anything revealing you might be asking for unwanted attention.
But sometimes I think guys think it’s cool to be dogs, and to always try and go after women.
This is just my broad view. Does anyone agree?
January 18th, 2008 at 11:54 am
2:47, it doesn’t matter how you dress. As I said in the first comment, they will cat call when I’m wearing my painting clothes. I mean, I literally run out of my house covered in paint in filthy, torn (loose!) jeans and sweatshirt that I wear for construction and I get hit on. It doesn’t really bother me. I find it funny. And at least I know I’ve still got it.
January 18th, 2008 at 11:57 am
i don’t agree, anonymous. i see cat-calling all the time and there is unwanted attention strewn about constantly in our neighborhood and clothing seems to make little difference. allow me to make a correction, not just in our neighborhood, in new york city in general. i make a concerted effort to “dress down” when i am walking around the neighborhood and that does little good. i even had my butt grabbed by a neanderthal at the corner bodega when i was wearing sweatpants and a baggy hooded sweatshirt so the whole “asking for unwanted attention” thing doesn’t fly for me. additionally, call me crazy but i don’t believe a woman has to hear from the peanut gallery no matter WHAT she’s wearing.
January 18th, 2008 at 12:22 pm
Anonymous: I sincerely hope you are not a woman. I live in Bed-Stuy and feel like I can’t walk out of the house without having my personal appearance up for personal commentary, which makes me feel powerless.
Having a man get within an inch of your face and hiss, “sexy,” is not an enjoyable experience. It’s harassment. Summers are a nightmare in this neighborhood. God forbid I wear shorts because it’s a hundred degrees outside. Am I “asking” for it then? I have a friend who won’t walk down certain streets when she’s wearing her yoga pants, to go to yoga class. Is she “asking” for it then? She’s become a victim in her own neighborhood for wearing yoga pants for godssakes.
And it’s not just Bed-Stuy but New York in general. I grew up in the South. Wearing a tank top and shorts or anything for that matter is not cause for harassment on the street.
January 18th, 2008 at 3:11 pm
Sorry Anonymous, but I don’t think what a woman wears should have anything to do with getting comments. Cat calling is a sign of ignorance of appropriate behavior in public and misogyny.
Perhaps what men should do is comment on each others’ underwear, as it seems they have no problem showing the world their boxers. Perhaps they will get the hint and pull up their pants.
btw: I am a man and I find the behavior of other men towards women to be an embarrassment to our gender.
January 18th, 2008 at 3:14 pm
Ugh. I used to have to deal with this when I lived in Harlem. I completely forgot about it until now. I might take BedStuy off of my real estate list. I don’t want to go back to feeling victimized every day.
January 19th, 2008 at 3:55 pm
But you’re not powerless and you’re not victims. Maybe because I grew up in NYC, I’m just used to it by now so it doesn’t bother me as much, but just tell them to F off and be done with it. They won’t listen, but at least you’ll feel better. LaDuchessa, cat calling is one thing, but if anyone lays a hand on you, it’s time for some testicular damage!
January 19th, 2008 at 10:01 pm
The cat calls don’t bother me i tune those guys out but the butt grabbing thing is a crazy happened to be on Herkimer while i tying my laces about two years ago i was in high school then and the man owned the deli near my house. I was not wearing anything seductive.
January 20th, 2008 at 10:23 am
To anoynmous: I hear you. Guys, in general-since I am not a man and can not say “all”, have to show how ‘manly’ they are. But guys, consider this…
Would you have the same feeling that is is okay if the cat calls were made to your:
1. Close female platonic friend ?
2. Wife/girlfriend/female significant other?
3. Daughter or other female relative ?
What is a guy did it in front of you ? would you just brush it off since you may do it, too? Or would you say something? (Of course, if you do that,you would be a hypoctite, imho)
Any unsolicited comment is disrespectful. It would be interesting if a woman physically retaliated when a guy did this. He could not say a thing because if he kept his comments to himself he would not be in the situation.
January 20th, 2008 at 5:00 pm
RH, it’s not as simple as telling a guy to F off. I’ve done that and things have quickly escalated. The cat calls are not men being men, they are a threat. I have been followed in a car and I have been made to feel unsafe. It is not acceptable.
I currently live in Washington Heights, I am not easily frightened by an appreciative gesture. But what I experienced in Harlem and what I suspect is being practiced in Bed-Stuy is on a different level of misogyny.
I don’t like to play the race card, but I think what you experience as a white woman vs what I experience as a black woman and how black men treat us on the street are entirely different things. I doubt that black men ever accuse you of acting above your place. But I could be wrong. I really would like to be.
January 21st, 2008 at 4:19 pm
I come home and tell my husband “That’s it I’m wearing a big black mustash from now on.”
I live in Bed-sty:
I’ve had guys pull up and offer rides (many times).
Lot’s of “hey sweetie/sexy/honey…”
Hope you don’t fall off that bike, I would hate to give you mouth to mouth. (And that is when i am grimmy in a helmet)
I can be dressed for winter, looking frumpy in my many layers, with only my eyes showing. It doesn’t matter.
Nothing helps. I smile, node, and scurry away. Cause, yes, F-off would be worse. They start yelling and being much more crude from cursing or ignoring them.
It’s frustrating.
January 21st, 2008 at 5:47 pm
I can only say +1. I’ve had my butt grabbed, been cat called hundreds of times, been physically grabbed, kissed at, honked at, etc etc etc.
The worst is when I’m walking in shorts in the summer carrying my laundry- for some reason when I’ve got a 20 lb laundry bag perched over my shoulder I’m fair game for grabs and remarks.
I think it’s disgusting that I have to wake up and think “ok, I know its 100 degrees outside and I know that I can wear this kneelength halter sun-dress at my destination (usually the city somewhere or park slope) and not be harrassed, but maybe I should think twice because the 5 minute walk to the bus might be too much to bare.” That’s no way to live, ladies.
I wish there was an easy solution- confronting is all well and good in theory but I’m not willing to risk life and/or limb to say shit to these guys after the ONE time I did say something and a woman was with the group of guys and she proceeded to get half an inch from my face and tell me that I should “know my place in this f*cking neighborhood, white bitch.” What exactly do you do then? Continue to talk smack and get punched in the face? Walk away sheepishly? Try to save face and roll your eyes and walk away (which is what I did)? What is the solution here?
I’m going on two years living in bed stuy and things have not gotten better.
January 22nd, 2008 at 8:21 am
#13, As a white woman (How did you know?) I think I experience something different…and I can’t quite put my finger on it. Sometimes I think guys are doing it to test me and sometimes I think it’s because they feel they can intimidate me because I am white. When it’s just cat calls I either ignore them, smile or give them the finger, depending on what mood I’m in. I’ve only once been touched by a guy when I fell asleep on the train. I woke up to find his hand subtly touching on my breast. I elbowed him and gave him a look, then got off at my stop. Well, he had the nerve to follow me off the train. He stopped me on Dekalb Ave and I just let him have it. This was in the late 80s when I stood out more in Ft Greene than I would today. I just stood there screaming and cursing him as he quickly walked away. People on the street must’ve thought “Who is this crazy white bitch?” Anyway, what was my point? I forgot. But I’ve had worse harassment in foreign countries where they REALLY don’t respect women. #15, if you feel very threatened, then just walk away. I’m not condoning their behavior and I think it’s horrible we have to put up with it, but I guess I kind of just look at it as life in NYC.
January 22nd, 2008 at 3:47 pm
RH, I’m a fervent reader of your blog; so I know your race and gender and hobbies. Ha.
But back on topic, I’m seriously thinking of moving Bed-Stuy off of my house-hunting list. I’ve lived all over the city for nearly 15 years and I’m looking for a place to raise kids. I liked the idea of Bed-Stuy for the economic and cultural diversity in-line with our non-profit incomes, but I’m not going to have my imaginary future daughters grow-up in a place where they are made to feel like meat when they walk down the street. It does not happen all over the city. I am well-traveled and I have never been treated as poorly by strangers as I have been by men of my own culture in Harlem.
January 22nd, 2008 at 3:47 pm
i’m right off of bedford and i find that the attention is consistent no matter what i’m wearing but fairly respectful, to the extent that no one is grabbing me or standing too close or saying disgusting things. When i was a teenager in manhattan, i was treated much worse - downtown, uptown, central park, wherever - and it really got me down.
THAT SAID - i have also been harassed by an employee/owner of a business in Bed-Stuy. There’s a bodega on the corner of Bedford and Quincy where i’ve had my hand stroked while paying, and comments about my ass, etc. It’s called “Javier” grocery. I now walk two blocks out of my way whenever i need to go to a bodega. But it sucks. I resent it.
January 22nd, 2008 at 8:43 pm
Under the guise of needing directions, I had an Orthodox or Hassidic male try to pick me up not 10 doors from my home. When I declined his advances, he drove to the end of the block waiting for me to reach the corner. I slowed down and I did not approach my door, as I did not want him to see where I lived. From the beginning I went into the female -self preservationist-be suspicious of any man- mode that my mother instilled in me from the time she allowed her daughter to leave the house unattended and was glad that I did.
This occurred approx. 5pm as I was coming home from work, before daylight savings time so it was broad daylight. I was wearing nothing to bring unwanted attention to myself – I am the typical frumpy looking mom who was carrying a backpack and a FedEx package. There was no mistaking me for anything other than a neighborhood woman/mom/sister/daughter. All of this taking place just days after my Middle School aged daughter had been needling me and my husband about traveling to and from school alone. GREAT!
As a black woman in this community, I would love to go on about the other things that angered me about my experience but I am sure that most if not all of you already know. By the way, my husband is white so this was no thriller for him and generated some interesting conversation at our dinner table that evening.
So to the person whose experience began this conversation, “go get-um†and to all the other women I say we should not ever let our guard down; we should be proactive; teach our daughters how to be strong, confident, and equip them with streetwise/common sense that they should apply no matter who they are dealing with or where they are.
January 22nd, 2008 at 9:21 pm
Oh yeah, I forget that I’m no longer anonymous.
If it makes you that uncomfortable then you shouldn’t move to the neighborhood. But my stance is “Don’t let anybody stop you from what you want to do.”
January 25th, 2008 at 9:18 am
give me a break. i’m a white woman and i’ve lived in soho/west village/ft greene etc. this neighborhood is no worse than any other when it comes to the weather getting warm and all the horny losers feeling free to comment on every womans appearance. men who have been raised with no respect to women live all over nyc-close your ears and ignore them-they’re trying to instigate an angry response. the best way to deal is to completely shut them out.
January 25th, 2008 at 9:56 am
I seldom go anywhere without my son in tow and that seems to discourage any would-be hasslers. I can’t say Bed-Stuy any worse than anywhere else I’ve lived. Or maybe it’s because I’m old and frumpy now. But I’ve always felt being strong and confident helped in these situations. I’ve never really felt scared by a guy on the street whom I didn’t know (yes, I met to imply that I have been scared by the behavior of men who were already known to me …)
January 26th, 2008 at 3:04 pm
This summer two guys rode past me on their bikes calling me “sexy,” and commenting on my ass. I flipped them off (twice) and they lost it, shouting, “Who the f-k do you think you are?” and then waited on their bikes at the end of the block with five more of their friends (all male) and screamed that I would get my ass kicked if I tried to cross the street. This was on Myrtle and Walworth. I went inside a deli for ten minutes and then left and snuck down a side street. I was shaking, and I’m a tough girl. Being screamed and cursed at by 7 men (with the entire block watching and not saying anything) is not fun.
In the past when I’ve told guys to f-k off after they’ve said something nasty to me, they’ve almost always yelled back at me (amazing how quickly someone can go from calling you sexy and gorgeous to calling you a bitch. ah, misogyny). But no one has ever threatened me physically. What could I have done? Called the police? So, yes, that is being made to feel powerless and victimized, rh.
And the answer is not, “If you don’t like it, don’t move to this neighborhood.” I don’t know what the answer is. But that’s too glib of a response.
I’ll probably keep telling men to f-k off, but I also find myself crossing the street and rushing past groups of men on the street more often; not really the way I want to live my life.
And I’ve also had Hasidic guys get really close to my face and stare me down. I’ve been cat called in almost every neighborhood I’ve lived in in NY…upper east side, meatpacking district, chinatown, everywhere. It just seems to be more in your face here. Literally.